deardiary,

today’s blah blah blah is brought to you by the idea of…

“FEAR OF NOT DOING”

The guilty feeling one gets for spending free moments not being productive (for me SUPER-hyper productive) otherwise known as FOMO = Fear of Missing Out.

* I … shocking to some - yes - i @deardiary have been through postpartum

postpartum which was best friends and stimulated by FOND Fear.of.not.doing. professionals have confirmed both of these major T’s (for those of you just getting to 2020 t = trauma bigot = bigger traumas)

yes - my housekeeper, my nanny (no I didn’t have her when my baby was born) and my friends who have never even had a serious boyfriend let alone a baby have said what i have gone through (…cough… am going through) is “totally normal”., to doctors and anyone else who has been semi-normal

I myself as an individual in my teens, my twenty somethings and now my early 30’s (wow how time flies) have had FOMO and FOND!

I have gone through FOND most recently during my bout of postpartum and overall adjustment to being a full time mom, wife and well life!

I felt (sometimes still feel guilty when I put my feet up - yes even when it’s at the end of a very long day (waking up at 5AM and still my daily to do list and goals and and and list run long!).

i currently am going through a bit of it all right now - hanging with my mom, husband and dog * hanging as in - i am writingtyping and they are watching something where Brad Pitt is in a space suit going to visit his dad some where near venus not the tennis superstar the actual STar** - anyway i am perplexed as to how to spend my time - i try all day to be here there and everywhere. try to keep on top of friends birthdays, new found hobbies other than drinking, not to mention every other thing you probably do or don’t do that you meant to do at any given moment

so what gives? well i guess it’s time to burst my own my’ bubble. I am the one who has to give. I’m not perfect nor will i ever be. i am not in charge or control of everything in this life of mine or yours for that matter.

what i am is in control of how i react to situations - how i treat others - the accountability and restraint i keep myself within the boundaries of - how i measure my happiness and my strength as a mother, wife, daughter, friend, and sometimes colleague.

so guess what else? I have to give myself a freaking break because i am doing the best i can - XOXO from (32 year old me & day 100&something sober me)